Ass as Ambassador

While at home with nothing to do, many of you have been worrying obsessively about the state of the country. Don’t. We are in the very capable hands of the Great Helmsperson who reminds us constantly that a revolution is not a tea party, the nation is taking a great leap forward to let a hundred flowers bloom because a 1,000 mile journey begins with the first step, and that political power comes out of the barrel of whiskey.

Nowhere else in the world would you have such a cumulative wealth of experience among national leaders. The PM has just become PM for the third time. And there are five ex-PM MPs all lining up to replace him, and one of them has been PM five times already. Imagine their total IQ if we added up all that wealth of brainpower.

And by now, the party whips have flogged the living daylights out of all MPs. In addition, every one of them has stabbed everyone else in the back, and vice-versa. There is no one remaining to back-stab anymore, so now they are stabbing each other in the front. In the wild, there is a parliament of owls, but here in Nepal we are one step ahead — we have owls in parliament.

PM Oli’s refusal to swear his allegiance to God almighty while taking his oath of office proves that his Unfed Marxist-Leninist-Atheist party believes that religion is the opium of the asses. He must have been smoking something else during the swearing in by Madamn President.

The ministers sowing their wild oaths was good entertainment beamed live on Nepal TV to distract us from the fact that the country is going to hell in a handbasket. Would have been even better if all that swearing included the name of a famous Japanese chain that cannot be uttered here since there may be minors within earshot.

It is really encouraging, though, that the re-incarnated Oli administration hit the ground running and got down to brass tacks by calling an emergency Cabinet meeting to address the biggest and most urgent challenge the country has faced in its recent history — the appointment of new ambassadors.

Anyhoo, my back-of-the-envelope calculation shows that by not having badass ambassadors for the past 14 months, Nepal’s national exchequer saved $25.8 million. This is no mean feat. Now, all that money can be spent on erecting the Republic Monument and Viewtower in Thankot.

Besides monetary savings, not having Ambassador Extraordinaries and Plenipotentiaries for so long also meant that Nepal’s envoys did not make political gaffes, and indulge in other extra-curricular activities. However, we do not envy the PM having to reward hangers-on and cronies, appease coalition factions, and balance demands of the political farties.

There are more ambassadorial aspirants than there are nation states and territories in the world, so one way to fit everyone is to appoint ambassadors to all the world’s 195 countries. If that is not enough, the PMO can appoint one ambassador each to Trinidad and Tobago.

Luckily, with space exploration, Nepal need not be confined to Earth to open new embassies. We can designate Chargé d’affaires ad Interim to the Moon, Mars, Venus and some of the larger rocks in the Asteroid Belt.

And if even those heavenly bodies are still not enough, we may have to venture further afield to open new embassies outside the solar system. That way we can blast them all into space, and have the country to ourselves.