First, the good news
There comes a time in every journo’s career when we get tired of being the purveyors of only bad news. It is our duty to set that right, so we print below stories that somehow didn’t make it:
No Oil Price Hike This Week
BY OUR CRUDE CORRESPONDENT
In another departure from the norm, Nepal Oil Corruption (NOC) failed to jack up the price of petrol and diesel this week, saying it was too busy calculating the bonus for its employees after crude oil prices broke the $120/barrel mark. NOC has also been making a bonanza during the monsoon season as international airlines have to make long holds, and need full refuelling at Kathmandu for flights back.
“Since aviation fuel in Nepal is the costliest in the world, we benefit greatly from bad weather and air traffic congestion,” said an NOC source who could not hide his glee. “But rest assured we will make up for not increasing gas prices at the pumps by a double digit hike next week.”
The source also told this reporter off the record that NOC had come up with a clever plan to cap prices at petrol pumps. This is a highly classified state secret, but if you promise not to tell anyone, we can confidentially divulge that the plan entails allowing distributors to adulterate petrol with vodka to stabilise the price at Rs100/litre.
(This news item is brought to you by High Octane Stolichnaya Vodka: Put a Tiger in Your Tank)
Chobar High Dam To Be Built
BY AN ELECTRIFIED REPORTER
The five-party coalition has given the green light for a hydroelectric dam at Chobar Gorge that will solve Nepal's electricity crisis and Kathmandu's uncontrolled urbanisation in one swell foop. It will also reverse Manjushree’s ill-advised move to drain the lake which, it has been revealed, was done without conducting a proper Environmental Impact Assessment (EIA).
The 200m Chobar High Dam will create a massive reservoir that will submerge Kathmandu, Patan and Bhaktapur and turn the Valley once more into a pristine pre-historic lake. Besides allowing Nepal to have a trade surplus with India, the project will reduce domestic electricity demand by removing Kathmandu from the map, and decentralise politics with devolution of federal power to the provinces.
Journos Irked by Continued Freedom
BY A DISGRUNTLED HACK
Nepal’s media fraternity is threatening a pen-down strike unless the grabberment immediately imposes restrictions on the press and enforces self-censorship.
“Nepal’s big neighbours have attained double digit growth by cracking down on press freedom," complained a veteran editor on condition of anonymity. “How come I am still free to call our prime minister an Ass? It’s been a week and they have still not arrested me. What do I have to do, burn some tyres at Maitighar?”
The All-Nepal Federation of Unjustly Undetained Newspersons (ANFUN) threatened to launch a nationwide stir if their demand to be detained without further ado is not met with immediate effect by the concerned higher-up authoritarians.
The statement said: "If they don't put us under house arrest, then we'll go into cardiac arrest."