Nepal’s Olympic dreams

Now the Euro Cup fever is over (“Forza Italia!”)  and we have all caught up with much-needed sleep, let us gear up for the Tokyo Virtual Olympics 2021.

This year, the Olympics organisers have made sure that it is first games in the modern era to be conducted in a city that is under an emergency. But I must play the donkey’s advocate here and argue that the Olympics has always been constrained by sports that date back to Ancient Greece.

If the discus throw can be a track and field sport, then we should also include marathon discussions in parliamentary committees as a category in Nepal’s National Games. We have some sure fire gold medalists in that sport.

And javelin throw? How is that relevant in this day and age? Imagine if domestic terrorists get hold of such weapons. Even more absurd is the shot put, which harks back to the age of lugging around cannon balls in the heat of battle. Modern warfare has moved on – today we incinerate the enemy with lasers.

The International Ass. of Athletic Federations would do well to change some of the categories to reflect more modern methods of biological warfare like the Kathmandu Runs, which Nepalis would win hands-down since all of us have so much practice.

Nepalis have broken all records in breaking records, and the Tokyo Olympics is a god-send opportunity for us to claim even more entries into the Guinness Book like the Nepali tv news anchor who conducted a continuous 62-hour talk show, the world’s most frequent prime minister, the most-rightwing Communist Party, the fastest clock in the world, and of all the donkey species in the world, Nepal has the biggest asses.

One sport that Nepalis have increasingly excelled in is rubber-band chungi. It will be too late to include it in the Tokyo Olympics, but we should definitely have it among the categories for the next games and start grooming our top notch chungi champs with a supplementary diet of performance-enhancing yarsagumba. It will be a proud moment for Nepal’s gold medalist in Rome in 2026 when the double triangle is raised to the tune of the national anathema.

Another Nepali sport that was popular in Nepal before the invention of the ball is dandi biu. We have to tweak it a bit and call it dandi charge so that contestants from the Police Club, who have been practicing it at recent street rallies, can reap medals at future international championships.

We are glad to see that mountain biking is finally an Olympic sport, but it has always been a bit unfair that mountaineering has been kept out of the world games because it is one sport in which Nepalis could sweep the medals tally.

After all, if scantily attired women whose noses are clipped with clothespins can take part in an Olympic event called synchronised swimming, I personally see no reason why our Icefall Doctors should not.

If it is problem, we can have Nepali participants in the mountaineering category climb Mt Fuji with their noses clipped with clothespins.

The Ass