New election symbols

Besides defending its title as the most corrupted country in South Asia, Nepal has belatedly also been recognised in the Guinness Book as having the highest per capita number of Communist parties this side of the Sewage Canal.

However, the 50 shades of red parties has the unintended side-effect that there isn’t an electronic voter machine that has been invented yet that has enough buttons to be of any use here in local, provincial and federal elections this year. Additionally, since every party worth its salt needs a symbol, the Erection Commission has run out of them.

Popular symbols like sun, moon, tree, hammers and sickles have all been taken on a first-come-first-served basis. Which means we will have to fall back on the diversity of Nepal’s flora and fauna. The cow and goat are already reserved, so we can offer scorpion, vulture, porcupine, and (the Donkey is pleased to announce) a jack ass to parties that do not yet have symbols.

At the rate parties are splitting, even this will not suffice. We need symbols that more accurately reflect the ethos of the parties in question. For instance, a hand grenade is an apt symbol for ex-guerrillas who want voters to remember the terror. Voters would also make an immediate connection between certain parties and the handcuff symbol.

Some of these symbols will be so coveted that the Election Commission may have to auction them off, have a lottery, or simply do an underhand deal.

The Family Party could be given the condom as an election symbol to set it apart from others, and also simultaneously spread awareness among the electorate about contraception.

Now that Nepal has declared itself open-defecation free, the forthcoming election could be the perfect opportunity to de-stigmatise the squat latrine and assist in the gobarment’s campaign of Flush Toilets for All by 2025.

The real problem about elections is that no one gives a Rat’s Ass (in a manner of speaking) about them. The question on everyone’s mind is what happens if local elections can’t be held in April? Luckily, the High and Mighty Political Mechanism already has a cunning plan. But it’s top secret.