The defence of Nepal

For centuries nature helped defend Nepal’s southern border from foreign invasions. We deployed malaria-carrying female anopheles mosquitoes, and this Mozzie Army ensured that Nepal never had to suffer under the colonial yolk.

But the ingenious Brits used Odomos as a strategic deterrent, and sent Gen Kinloch to lay siege to Sindhuli Gadhi in 1767. So, the defending The Famous Gorkha Battalion rolled hornet’s nests down on the infidels, who fled all the way back to Cawnpore with their tails between their legs. The rest, as they say, is history.

If aggressors did somehow survive our onslaught of mosquitoes and/or hornets, they were sure to be eaten up by regiments of man-eating Tiger Commandos that patrolled our frontiers. And if an invader somehow managed to penetrate this phalanx, he, she or it would sure to be disemboweled by one of our heavily-armoured columns of One-horned Rhinoceri Divisions lying in ambush at the border.

However, since the eradication of malaria in the Tarai, we have no forward line of defence and Nepal’s glorious military needs new ways to secure our territory from hegemons with imperialistic designs. This is why the Govt of Nepal (GONE) has cunningly kept all roads, culverts, bridges, petroleum pipelines, inland navigation channels, and fast tracks in advanced stages of disrepair along the southern border to make the terrain impassable for enemy tanks and battleship armadas.

But this will not suffice, which is why the Loyal Nepal Army’s clandestine Bio Warfare Division is weaponising diarrhoea. Culturing genetically-modified versions of the Vibrio cholerae and Giardia lamblia bacteria, we now have the capability of blowing up the gastro-intestinal tracts of sworn enemies with explosive force.

The two bacteria have gone viral, and have already been subjected to gruelling military tests to be covertly infiltrated into the endoplastic reticulum of visiting tourists.

As expected, the germs wreaked havoc on the digestive tract of these foreign guinea pigs, making them think twice about entering Nepal’s Toilet-Free Buffer Zone.

Prime Minister K P Oli has also taken keen personal interest in erecting a missile launch pad in Damak cleverly camouflaged to resemble a view tower. Together with the Republican Tower under construction in Kirtipur, these two erectile dysfunctions should repel all enemies on sight by their sheer ugliness. From spy satellites, the two structures will bear a striking resemblance to ICBMs on launch pads, and convince those who mean us harm that we already have the delivery vehicles for our biological warheads.

Besides that, I can disclose here in strictest confidence that Nepal is also developing a top-secret drone program. (Make sure you burn this paper after you read it. We don’t want it to get into the wrong hands.) The idea is to mass produce salaried civil servants who do nothing all day. These drones may seem to be asleep at their desks, but they are decoys. Actually, they are trained to wake up and deliver groin kicks to any foreign army that dares to invade Singha Darbar.