Govt issues draft guidelines for public hygiene

Now that we have a government if the people, buy the people, and f**k the people, we can be fairly confident that there will be stability and prosperity for those in office. Trickledown economics will ensure that ill-gotten wealth will finally dribble down to the grassroots at some point in our country’s glorious future.

And speaking of trickle down, the grubberment has just issued a draft National Hygiene Policy that lays down strict new guidelines about how Nepalis should conduct themselves with regards to personal and public hygiene under the new federal Constitution.

Nepalis love to nitpick and can be seen doing this in public on public transport, in offices, and on sidewalks even if they don’t exist, at all times of day and/or night. Under current law, anyone can nitpick anyone else as long as it is consensual. Since looking for lice on someone else’s hair is an indication of some degree of mutual intimacy, it is frowned upon if it involves two or more individuals of the same sex.

It is perfectly acceptable, however, to approach a stranger sitting next to you in an overnight flight to Sharjah, and, after necessary introductions, start plucking follicular fauna from each others’ hair. The new draft law allows nitpicking in public as long as it does not harm the national interest, or disturb Nepal’s socio-economic harmony.

Like smoking, breaking wind in public places is henceforth banned in the national interest under the new guidelines. Exceptions are made for ass acoustics during emergencies but only if the perpetrator in question has a national ID card or valid visa to prove eligibility to blow his/her own trumpet in Nepali air space. However, commandos will be scrambled if stink bombs are found in Cabinet Meetings or during Parliamentary Hearings.

Extricating belly button lint is now legal for all age groups, genders, and at all times. This decision has been taken to boost the pashmina industry which has been suffering from a crippling shortage of raw material. Similarly, civil servants both in federal and provincial ministries will be hereby allowed to mine ear wax during office hours, and also on national holidays, so as to make the country self-sufficient in candles.

Toothpicking is another national activity and because there are no rules governing how people with advanced halitosis should pick their teeth in polite company, the new Code of Conduct has set up a surveillance mechanism under the Ministry of Homestay Affairs to apprehend those who refuse to engage in self-exploration of their oral cavities within Nepal’s territorial waters. It is in the national interest to dislodge morsels of mutton from the molars so our breath does not smell like the Bagmati.

Nepalis are nosey parkers, and our ancestors risked life and limb to explore the uncharted upper reaches of our nostrils so that modern Nepalis can go boldly forth where our forebears once planted the national flag. The probe of choice for nasal expeditions is the pinkie with a nail that is designed to grow into the shape of a tiny shovel so that it can efficiently mine nuggets of nutrient-rich booty from deep inside our snouts. 

Because of space constraints we cannot go into the conventions of etiquette governing the grooming of other body parts. Suffice to say that the draft guideline has adopted a laissez faire attitude about expelling body fluids in public. Attending to calls from nature is now allowed anywhere along the East-West Highway where there is a mobile signal. This will curb fertiliser imports and boost organic agriculture.

Under the guidelines, Nepalis are now also allowed to legally clear their throats in public. This is traditionally done with a quick intake of breath to dislodge the primary target in the oesophagus, pneumatically roll the excavated material into an aerodynamic glob, and then, with the same technology used in shoulder-fired heat-seeking Stinger missiles, expectorate this biological warhead at an innocent bystander. 

The favourite male Nepali past-time of rummaging through the toolbox in public is now permissible by law. Immigration officials can, in full view of arriving passengers, scratch the crotch as long as it does not violate the Vienna Convention of 1935 and its later amendments. And the Ass is gratified to note that in the spirit of Public-Private Partnership, this provision in the National Hygiene Policy also allows those with a posterior motive to attend to urgent private itches in public.

The Ass