Dasain is postponed


The Ass has been reminded that this paper takes a break over Dasain, and we skip one issue next week. Yay! Also, there is a full page nude on the back page. Double Yay! But the editor tells me I still have to submit my weekly column. Nay!

It is therefore incumbent upon yours truly to circulate this strong internal memo against the media typhoon who owns this paper who sold his soul to Mammon, sacrificing the donkey’s designated Backside place and squeezing the Ass into this obscure inside section.

I will therefore not beat around the burning bush indulging in frivolous chitchat, supposedly witty repartees, idle banter, lame puns, below the belt innuendos about the Prime Minister, ridiculing the President’s taste in upholstery from the Ministry of Interior Decoration, or muttering allegedly hilarious asides about the posterior body parts of some prominent members of the Council of Ministers.

No, today we shall tackle deadly serious national issues so that we can roll our loins and gird up our sleeves to ensure that Fedex Elections are held as scheduled in November. We should doubly redouble our efforts to protect the Constitution (the world’s best, in fact) that ensures politicians of all hues and cries have equal rights in our democracy to pillage and plunder.

We now break our usual programming for this important grabberment announcement:

Hear ye, her ye! It is hereby notified to all concerned that this year’s Dasain festival has been postponed until further notice because of the need for belt-tightening during these tumultuous times.

All concerned should watch this space for new Dasain dates, but it will most probably be next April, when it will be held in conjunction with New Year 2080 in order to reduce Nepal’s petroleum import bill and the country’s carbon footprint.

There will also be a moratorium on mountain goat imports from Tibet till next April because of our balance of trade deficit with China. Water buffalos have also been included in the list of ‘luxury items’ together with iPhone 14s, Old Monk Rum, and Odomos mosquito repellent creams, that are currently restricted for import to save Indian currency reserves from further depletion.

Mountain goats and buffaloes will therefore be allowed to carry on with their daily lives until such time as they may again be required to be decapitated in the epic struggle of good against evil next April. For further information, contact the Dept of Humanitarian Sacrifices.

Despite austerity, MPs in the prorogued Parliament who knew their days were numbered voted themselves fat Dasain bonuses. Former Chief Justices, Ministers, and Reps in the August House had till end-August to award themselves posthumous pensions so they can keep on enjoying legislative perks, and official cars in their afterlife.

As you may have heard, Prime Minister Dubya has decided to give election tickets to Baddie candidates recommended by Comrade Awesome rather than to dissidents within his own party who could challenge The Foremost Lady in future. These tickets are so sought after that they are being sold in the black market, or so I am told.

Ass s