Inauguration nation

Of all the many accomplishments of Primafacie Minister K P Oli in the past three years of his tenure, the most remarkable is his setting a new Guinness World Record on the number of inaugurations he has inaugurated in the past two weeks.

But we worry that with all the ribbon cutting, there is going to be a serious depletion of Nepal’s national stockpile of red ribbons.

Last week, the Primeval Minister inaugurated the Melamchi Project, which was first mooted during the early Lichhavi Period. The praiseworthy thing is that we did not let a minor issue like the fact that the project is still in the test-phase get in the way of its grand inauguration.

But what if Primetime Minister Oli runs out of stuff to inaugurate? What if there is nothing left to declare open? It will be a national embarrassment, with disastrous consequences for public morale.

But these fears may be unfounded. On Saturday, Primate Minister Oli inaugurated Bhimsen’s Erection which will stand as a monument to national virility, and proof that the Nepali Can, and the Nepali Will (still do it).

I don’t know if you noticed, but the design of Oli’s Folly has been modified to look like an Inter-continental Ballistic Missile on its launch pad. This is to fool enemy spy satellites into thinking that Nepal has nuclear arsenals and urinals to act as a deterrent against any nation that harbours ill intent towards us.

The government’s aim is to erect phalli like Dharara all over the country under its ‘One Municipality One View-tower’ campaign. This means Oli will not run out of structures to inaugurate for the rest of his PMship.

There are other National Pride Projects in various stages of incompletion that also deserve to be inaugurated by the Primavera Minister in the unforeseeable future.

As a service to the nation, the Ass lists below various schemes that are ready for immediate ribbon-cutting:

1. Inaugurate the MCC even if they are still playing political pingpong with it.
2. Next week, inaugurate the bridge across the Trisuli River that collapsed of its own accord. After all, it is the thought that counts.
3. PM Oli promised that ocean going ships would arrive on Nepal’s shores by December 2018. It’s ok that they didn’t, he can still inaugurate a pretend harbour on the Kosi River and declare Nepal not landlocked anymore.
4. The great thing about inaugurations is that some of them can be fast-forwarded so that the projects can be declared opened prematurely. Only 20% of the work on the Kathmandu-Tarai Fast Track has been completed, but that should not deter us from officially inaugurating it.
5. Inaugurations can also be retroactive, so the prime minister can take credit for projects that have already been inaugurated by a previous prime ministers. For example, Prime Minister Oily can re-inaugurate the Tribhuvan Rajpath all over again.
6. Or they can be futuristic. Nothing should stop the Oli government from inaugurating imaginary projects that we have not even dreamed of yet: Nepal’s first nuclear power plant built with fuel rods from Mustang.
7. Depends on how desperate we are, but if we really run out of things to inaugurate, the Slime Minister can even inaugurate Nijgad International Aeropolis by ceremonially chain-sawing down the first of 2 million trees amidst enthusiastic applause from logging contractors.
8. In its manifesto, The Oligarchy promised piped gas in every home by 2020, and sure enough it can already be inaugurated.

It’s just that instead of liquid petroleum gas, what we will have piped into every Nepali home is laughing gas.