The joys of being a Nepali citizen

It is a sign of the true statesman that PM Oli is, that he has ensured Nepal is so politically stable that nothing moves in this country. He has left no stone overturned, he has moved heaven and earth (not to mention mountains), pulled out all stops and stopped at nothing to not just become top dog, but only dog.

And if anyone has any problem with that, please raise your hand. Guards! To the gallows with the gentleman at the back in the Bon Jovi t-shirt.

There will always be hecklers in a democracy.

Anyway, to get back to the main point on the agenda this week, it is heartening to note that to seek revenge on Nepal, Nepal is changing rules on who can be Nepali.

Since the country’s birth rate is falling and people are out-migrating, the Patriarchal Demographic Republic of Nepal has taken the bold move by ordnance to boost the country’s population. This will mean that only really committed people who want to risk becoming citizens of this country will heretofore onwards be permitted to be bonafide hot-blooded Nepalis.

Our rulers have now decided that babies born wholly within Nepal’s territorial boundaries to Nepali mothers can now be Nepalis by descent. This is earth-shaking in its magnanimity and foresight.

We have to be careful, however. One can’t be too careful about preserving the purity of our nationhood when millions of men are queuing up at no-man’s land to cross over and marry our women in droves.

That is why, till now, we have preferred to offer citizenship to non-resident Nepalis than to non-Nepali residents. But even while we throw our doors wide open to farang brothers-in-law from the immediate neighbourhood, we have to be careful. Everyone on the Planet is just dying to become a citizen of Nepal to enjoy the world class quality of life that we have here.

All you brand new Nepalis should be grateful that we have granted you the privilege of citizenship. Below is a list (by no means exhaustive) of some of the advantages of being Nepali:

1.  Nepal was never colonised, and is the oldest nation state in South Asia. Just saying.

2. Nepal can generate 73,000 megawatts of potential energy. And we have surplus static electricity.

3. The world’s highest mountain was born in Nepal, and is Nepali by ascent.

4. Because we believe in reincarnation, the higher-up authoritarians have made sure that your Nepali citizenship will also be valid in your afterlife, but only if your mother did not marry an alien in her previous birth.

5.  There is firm proof that Lord Buddha was a Nepali by descent because both his father and mother had Nepali citizenship papers rubber stamped in triplicate by the Tilaurakot Ward 3 Chair.

6.  Arniko’s father and mother were both Nepalis. Even if he had to renounce his citizenship at the court of Kublai Khan. Once a Nepali man always a Nepali.

7. Bhrikuti married a Tibetan king, and we promptly denied her offspring Nepali citizenship, and then we invaded Lhasa to exact revenge.

8. Tenzing Norgay became an Indian, and that’s all I have to say about that.

9.  Become a Nepali citizen and develop chronic gastroenteritis, Nepal’s national disease, and the world’s most proven weight-loss program.

10.  Experience the joys of living in a former monarchy, and present anarchy.

11.  Look at the bright side: no one will chop off your hand for stealing in Nepal.

12.  … or execute you for corruption.

13. Nepal is a land of infinite possibilities. Need a Covishield second dose? Psst, call me.