VACANCY
A volunteer Ass is needed with immediate effect for a newspaper of records in a federal democratic kleptocratic Himalayan republic in which the Buddha was born, and is situated like a yam between a rock and the deep blue sea, and has an area of 156,000 sq km, give or take 500 sq km or so.
Applicants must be willing to make complete asses of themselves, and show a demonstrable ability to kick and/or lick hind quarters of the powers that be. No previous experience necessary, since the much-coveted position comes with complete on-the-job training that includes undercover work, sting operations and how not to get caught plagiarising.
Incumbent donkey is quitting with immediate effect after 22 years of yeoman’s service to the nation at large to enter politics and joining other jokers already there.
There is now such stiff competition from the clowns in government and in-House comedians that the Ass stands no chance against them with its feeble attempts at eliciting lame laughter in this space every week.
For proof of the hilarious slapstick show Nepal’s serial politicians offer citizens, just look at the way they outdid even themselves in the past week or so with the torrid love triangle between PKD, KPO and SBD. The bromance blossomed and it was clear that what we were witnessing was the hand of geniuses in tickling our nation’s collective funny bone.
No court jester can vie with such professionalism. They had us in stitches. We laughed so hard we cried.
That is why we are seeking a replacement Ass for 2023 onwards.
QUALIFICATIONS:
- Post-holder should have customary long ears, must come with a lot of baggage, have endurance and stamina for abuse.
- Must be able to go hee-haw and have a posterior motive to deliver a back-kick without any warning.
- Amazing opportunities for career progression as a part of the illustrious Equidae family.
- Candidate must be homely, convent-educated teetotaler, fair-skinned vegetarian DV-eligible upper caste Ass who is full of him/her/themself.
- Age, gender if any, marital status, eating habits, lack of morals, incontinence and incompetence no bar.
- Should have capability to write purportedly humorous columns with flair and aplomb and not be deterred by a complete lack of feedback from readers.
- Must be a rude dude Has-been Wannabe.
- Must be able to push the boundaries, including in the disputed Limpiyadhura and Susta regions.
- Must have a Diploma in Lampooning and a Bachelor of Arse in Sycophancy from an unrecognised university.
- Candidates need not possess any verbal, interpersonal and communication skills at all, but a criminal record will be an advantage.
- Horses and Mules are not eligible to apply.
SALARY:
There is no salary, and that is non-negotiable. But the position has in-built perks, life-time medical treatment including liposuction, tummy tuck, buttock augmentation, and rhinoplasty.
Apply with brain scan and full body MRI showing recent abdominal contours to prove you have the guts to take up this position.
We are an equal opportunities employer. Jenny Asses are encouraged to apply. Everybody deserves a fifth chance.
Byeeee.
writer