Unreal estates

Nepal is land-locked, and to make matters worser, the country is fast running out of land. Ever since we lost a third of our territorial integrity to British India in the Sugauli Treaty of 1816, we have had to make do with what was left. And what real estate we have is not enough for parking lots and malls. So, it’s all up for grabs, even the prime minister’s gazebo in Balu Water.

No need to press the panic button, though, folks. What we need now is to carry out a baseline assassment, make an inventory of all the land in our grabberment’s possession, and expand its area by hook or by crook. Mostly by crook.

The first option that springs to mind, just off the top of my head, is to take back all the territory from the Teesta to the Sutlej that the Gorkha Empire lost to the British Empire, and Make Nepal Greater Again. The way we are doing that is by clandestinely infiltrating the British and Indian Armies through the Brigade of Gurkhas. This is a top military secret, so don’t go blurting it out to anyone.

If, god forbid, we cannot pursue the military option to restore Nepal to its former gory, then we need a Plan B. And that is to capture the new islands along the Ganges Delta in the Bay of Bengal between India and Bangladesh since they are made up of Nepal’s soil anyway. We will no longer be landlocked, and as a newly littoral nation, can claim up to 200 nautical miles of territorial waters as our Exclusive Economic Zone.

And since we have run out of land on Earth, the Nepal Communist Party under the Great Helmsperson Comrade Space Cadet is sending Nepalis where no Nepalis have gone before: across the Hemmorrhoid Belt to liberate the Red Planet from the forces of global imperialism and claim it for the glory of the revolution.

Kathmandu’s land mafia has already done the plotting for a housing colony on Mars, and to build a Martian Republic View Tower. Nepalis will feel very much at home on the surface of Mars since it does not have any water either, and the roads have huge craters.

But before we conquer space, we must first determine how far above Nepal is still Nepal. Where does Nepal end and outer space begin? Fortunately, we already know exactly how far up Nepal’s air space stretches. The special ramp at Kathmandu airport where Air India passengers are frisked is 40 inches above the tarmac because that is the upper limit of Nepal’s aerial boundary. Our Air Force will guard this space tooth and nail.

Last but not least, there is a very easy way to expand our territory. Nepal’s plinth area is 147,000 sq km. However, if we flatten Nepal out like a pancake the country’s actual surface area will be 24.7 million sq km. As a peace-loving nation, an expansionist Nepal should pursue this option to add territory since it does not involve any bloodshed.

The Ass


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