The Goat Rush

Since we are squeezed for space here this week, let’s get right down to brasstacks.

Statistics show Nepalis consume 75% of their annual intake of animal protein and alcohol during Dassain. Proof is the overpowering aroma emanating from the Bagmati in the immediate aftermath of the holidays.

Let’s do Dassain different this year. Refuse to buy new clothes, and get into your old pants if you fit in them. Tell noisy neighbours to “go fly a kite”. Be selective, refuse to visit relatives you don’t like. Go to Goa. Better still, emigrate. Goat sacrifices were for single aisle aircraft, Nepal Airlines’ needs water buffalos to attain martyrdom and regain paradise at the nose landing gears of its two brand new widebodies.

The gobblement in its infinite wisdom cut holidays this Dassain. Shame on them. Here is one week in a year that we can wallow in sloth, and the spoilsports have decreed that we have to get this paper out. Woe on the workaholics.

It’s not that we are less lazy the rest of the year, but Dassain is when we can really let ourselves go to eat goat, drink gin and indulge in national stupefaction. Even though we know this, we sometimes lapse into exertion and toil. Vigilance, that is what is required. Vigilance against hard work.

Just look at all the benefits of laziness. We as a people have underestimated the role indolence plays in eradicating corruption and crime. Making people too lazy to steal or rob others should be the aim of all good governance campaigns. There is nothing like a sense of time having stopped to eradicate malfeasance.

The National Institute for Lethargy and Inertia has moved swiftly to ensure adequate supplies of goat guts next week so that there is sufficient lassitude to go around.

Vigilance squads have already been deputed under the CBI to carry out spot checks at various departments, corporations, public sector enterprises, and our embassies abroad to make sure that no civil servants are sneaking into their offices to actually get some work done in the run-up to the holidays.

Police have been told to nab drivers who do not drink. Aware that the whole country will be comatose, the grabberment has given Comrade “Sore Loser” Leftist God the green light to contest Kathmandu-7.

It has just come to my notice that I am now too lazy to complete this column. May you all attain nirvana this Dasain: that state of perfect immobility and bliss.

The Ass


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