Why wear a mask?

This listicle is brought to you in the public interest by the Department of Pandemics that falls under the Ministry of Pandemonium of GONe.

Masks have now become as essential an item of clothing as one’s undies, and like them, should not be shared. Here is why we should wear them (masks, not undies) at all times:

1. If, perchance, you happen to pass a bank in Pulchok and you are suddenly overcome by an urge to rob it, you can instantaneously pull off a heist then and there, by walking right in through the front door without having to spend time looking for a mask, since you will be wearing one already.

2. Are you concerned about privacy, and do ubiquitous cctv cameras connected to the national face recognition database spook you? Is it bothersome to you that the authoritarians can track your whereabouts anywhere in Nepal at any given time, even as you attend to the call of nature on the perimeter wall of the Lower House? Fret not. A device called 'The Mask' can trick the face detection software, thereby ensuring that our semi-intelligence agencies cannot tell you apart from 30 million other Nepalis.

3. If you are an introvert by nature who does not like to make small talk, and feels obligated to smile a lot in the company of socially-distant relatives until your cheeks hurt, salvation is at hand. Whip out the mask automatically from your inner jacket pocket, pull it towards you, cover your nose and mouth, and breathe normally. The rest of the boring wedding reception will be a breeze, because people won’t be able to tell that you are a grumpy uncle. After all, what is there to smile about in these trying times?

4. Do your spectacles fog over when you wear a mask? A resourceful optician in Teku has come up with an ingenious solution to remove condensation from your eyewear for a small fee. He will detach the lens from the spectacle frame, and voila, he’s fixed the foggin’ problem.

5. Many of you have faced awkward situations while dining at a fancy outdoor restaurant, and when the wine arrives you have to risk your life to sip it because you have to take your mask off. Well, a marvellous new invention now makes it much safer to partake of beverages without being a superspreader. The masks come with factory pre-installed straws with in-built tiny reusable plugs at one end. When the drink arrives, all you have to do is remove the plug, dip the straw into the drink, take a swig, and replace said plug. For the hors d'oeuvre, switch masks to the one that comes with a zipper and trap door.

6. Masks may also save you from losing your job since the boss can’t tell which one of you called him an ***-****.

OK, which one of you called me an ***-****?

The Ass


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